i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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