Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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