I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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