You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
