Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize