he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
