8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The beer is more important than you right now.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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