I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
