Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
