I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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