I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
