she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
