I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
