Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
the condom got lost in my hair
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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