I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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