I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
