There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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