All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
