I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
