there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
