ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize