I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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