i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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