It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
