cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
