end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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