so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
