i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
