are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
