I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
