I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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