bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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