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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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