pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I smell like Dick and happiness
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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