She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
