I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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