If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
