he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize