Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Dignity is for republicans.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
