Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
