Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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