My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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