I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
