He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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