I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
