I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
All I want is dick and wine.
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