life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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