T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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