i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
