he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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