I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
