Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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