mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
