I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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