Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
