my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
