I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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