Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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