I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
