His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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