Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
