he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
