well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Buhtt sex?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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