Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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