I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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